Can’t make it on my own.

In school news: It’s nearing semester’s end, and I am staring down a frightening amount of exam work needs doing. I am still slated to take them in the Spring, but getting this paper down is going to be fairly horrifying, nevermind finishing reading the rest of my two lists (am a little over halfway on each–finished another three books over Thanksgiving break).

In apartment news: Randomly the water is off, and I’d hoped to spend today cooking for the week. Water shut off mid-cook, no less, so now my hands smell of garlic and the best I can do is handsanitize them and be grateful I wasn’t midway through anything messier. The radiator still clanks, and I’m back to “yup, we need to move,” though I’m off the cliff of “we need to break the lease and move NOW.” I really hope I can find a job post-exams, preferably a job that pays enough to permit me to upgrade to a slightly less rundown apartment. I’m so, so tired of the constant irritations of my personal space being broken. It’s routine-disrupting in the worst way.

In Thanksgiving news: Went to visit Rhin in Missouri, which was lovely and relaxing and rejuvenating (I could sleep through the night there). I got some writing done, read all the things, ate Thanksgiving food every day except the night I took Rhin out for bday sushi, went for long walks in the gorgeous wooded area by her dorm…it was a wonderful time, though she seems bummed out about her diss, and dismal job prospects on the other side (visions of my future, I’m sure). The bus ride from Chi to Columbia is exhausting and long, and I got less work done this time, mostly because of lighting issues preventing my reading all the way there and back. I should’ve gotten through Gravity’s Rainbow, but alas.

Now what should I do with my day? Have until 9pm to putter, and I’d planned to read, write, research, grade, and play email catchup (besides all the cooking). Despite the fact that no water doesn’t preclude most of these things, I’m irked enough that I all I really want to do is get out of the house, to someplace where the toilet flushes and I can get myself a glass of water if I’m thirsty. Might be time for another afternoon spent at the coffeeshop.

Everyone’s been posting what they’re thankful for, to do with the Thanksgiving spirit. There are all kinds of things that come to mind. It’s not a terrible exercise, thankfulness. Simultaneously, I am just not feeling it today. Perhaps it’s reading political blogs this morning–the economy is so, so fucked. Maybe it’s the reminder that I will soon turn thirty with nothing to show for it; these days, “independence” means living in a godawful apartment and racking up debt for a degree that is unlikely to get me a job. My univ’s faculty search has over 600 applicants for one position. Most days I feel like I’m not going to make it on my own. Not me, not most of the people I know. Also, I am too few degrees of separation away from too many people fighting cancer. How did we end up here?

I’m thankful for many things, but some days, brightsidedness seems lawful evil. And now I am going to get the eff out of my house before the grim oversweeps.


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